The Day of the 5 way!

Ok, My uncle has this younger second wife. I like her, won't call her auntie 'cuz that is reserved for his first wife. but wife #2 is cool with me. She is deep into this pyramid cult thing that is sweeping the nation. It's called Ardyss.

She has been going round giving presentations and recruiting folks (family, friends and foe) into this undergarment from hell.... I call it the raping machine.

One night she got me into one, and I personally didn't see any damn difference in the way that I looked. and I ain't paying $150 for the torture of putting this medival device of torture with fifty million hook and eyes just to suck in my gut. I like buddha just as she is!!!

Well this woman recruited one of my cousins into it. I DID NOT KNOW THIS!!

My cousin just moved into a swanky gated community and invited us to come to the house... my ass thought "HOUSE PARTY!!!!"

the trophy wife then says ohhh.. J, I'll come and get you and we can go have a good time. I'm down. that means I can drink and not have to drive.. cool! She gets there to pick me up and there is a hermaphidite (yeah i know i spelled it wrong but whatever) in the car. He bigger than I am and is in the passenger seat putting on his false eyelashes and mascara? then he gets out his car and has one a raping garment under his t-shirt. I know becuz i see the bulges where the hooks and eyes meet in front. why is his sissy ass wearing the female garment if they have a male version! oh LAWD!

What in the blue fuzzy..... hmmmmm

so we get to the house and i went looking for the bar and the food! AIN'T NONE!

then i see them setting up the dvd and this Ardyss shit starts playing. oh fuck i trapped!

Then my cousin drags me into her bedroom and says since you the biggest one here let try you. I yell "hell-fuck-no". My cousins's older sister, her daughter and the trophy hoe (i'm pissed at this point) come into the room and throw me on the bed!

fuck this is not good.... my better half is no where in site so I know ain't no dick coming!

these triflin' sale hungry heifas take off all my clothes and start to put me in a raping garment. I refuse to wiggle and help get myself into the damn thing. Then they bring in the fag cuz they can't get the hooks to meet the eyes for the last three at the top. one cousin holding my happily sleeping tits up and out his way and i telling all of them I will have them up on charges of rape and assault as soon as I leave here. In her laughter, my cousin lets my tits go, the flop happily back to their place near my belly (don't judge me, they been there for years thanks to big boobs in grade 3). they landed on captain eyelashes hands and she shrieked... yes, shrieked... like a girl!

now i have a high pitched voice and I don't think i could scream like that. say he don't like those things touching him... on behalf of my swing lows i was offended!!

so they get me in this thing and put my clothes back on, i haven't moved a muscles since they started and show and before and after picture!!!

well first off there was no difference in the look. i already have a nice shape i just have low breast and a big buddha in front that will bow down to no man or raping garment!!!

i tell them don't show people this cuz they ga want ALL they money back.!!

Where to start? with this bitch right here!!!

My sister is 13 years older and sometime 90 years dumber!!

So I sent my bouncing baby boy to her for the summer. She legally adopted him when he was born so he could get them Navy benefits! that was cool but we all know who his mama is.

she all bout in her hometown (stateside) profiling to folks bout her son and whatnot and that's cool with me. I love that.

Now while he been there, she ain't took his ass no where to do nothing cuz she always tired (read that as drunk from that pint of gin and 3 heineken chaser after work) but then that was ok cuz she don't drink when they went out in the car.

but the finaly straw for me was last night, my sister tells my 15 years old, he cant buy his school supplies with the last of his money cuz he gotta pay for groceries!

THAT BITCHES STRAIGHT LOST HER BRAIN TO GIN!!!

EXCUUUUUUUSSSSSEEEE FUCKIN' ME!!

I know she ain't come outta her mouth with this bullshit.

So I called the airline, changed his reservations and called my sister leaving her a voicemail since her and her best friend (another cunt bitch i gotta tell you bout) was sleep. I told her that I need my son home and i changed his reservation. I can't talk to her right now cuz i will only tell her all bout her ass.

Never a damn dull moment for me!!

But the bright side is I get my baby back two weeks earlier and we going to the Berry islands next weekend!!!

Sucks to be them

So my ma call me just now upset cuz the cable off. (even though big worthless older brother, who is now getting a weekly allowance outta me already called me earlier and say the internet off cuz the bill due)

my response is that she wanted to go to marketplace and i bought her a bday gift (hand made, hand embroidered kelly green silk pillow) . that is why the cable off... she says "well you didn't have to take me .. you should have let me say i wanted to go and take you if you know you had things to pay and now i supposed to sit here with nothing to watch?"

Oh MOTHER! my response ..... " you say that shit when the cable on so how is it being off a problem? and you're welcome for dinner on sunday!"

Why should i check that them two home with no internet or tv all day? but the two of them always have a hand out for something from me... meanwhile at dinner on sunday, i felt sick and ended up throwing up for like 20 mins... do you think one of either of these suck spirit dirgens even come look for me... NOPE!! by the time i got back to the table, they finished their entrees and ask if i was ready to go? whafuck and I ain' eat but dropped $55 for each of us in there... no fucktards.. y'all ga wait on me and let me eat first.

so i say to mother "you can wait til i get paid on friday and can pay the bill. otherwise that same money you was gonna buy a tix to new york can go on the cable." I mean is she serious... she was gonna drop $400 to go to new york for a week to a friend (a recent not that close to) friend who in a coma... call me heartless but she ain't finna know you there... and you have sick family here now.. do you really want to be away again when someone else dies?

i am not using my lil bit of funds in my checking acct so they could have the benefit of cable and internet becuz i may need those funds for car licence and my son's school fee.

fuck the cable!

i have video tapes to watch. it will not bother me i can promise you that.

fucking selfish ass niggas... urrrggghhh I can't stand that shit!

Long ass overdue

Thank you sweet baby Jesus that blogs are not like library books... I done fucked up and so much good shit been happening but I really didn't have the time to write and that's a shame. I promise to do better.

So here goes...

My 35th Birthday was yesterday and it was a weekend of greatness!!!

I mean yeah so I share it with my mom and two godmothers and like a ton of other folk but it was my day and I made the weekend rock for me.

But seriously, I do have a few problems I need to get off my chest/spleen before I bust.

1. I missed True Blood last night cuz my fat ass brother and naggin mama wanted to walk and play tourist in Atlantis. All they did was complain bout how Sol Kerzner need to take them gaudy tacky ass sculptures down... I'm thinking the tourist pay for that... you don't even have to go over there.. come on i missing sookie and eric!

2. My frakkin' boss seems to be extra clingy now... like she will call me into her office and then have nothing to say and I'm waiting for her to dictate a letter or ask me a question or something. Chap head just looks at me or continues watching tv or talking to someone else on the phone.. BITCH!! really? and then she turns around and asks if something she gave me earlier is ready. HOW! HOW? FUCKIN' HOW? is it finna be ready if I am staring at the chap in your forehead instead of at my computer (yeah i know on f/b or ykydaw.net) but i still get work done.

3. I was on the local cable news this weekend cuz our phone company (yup singular still since no other competition in the whole country) done fucked up again and had land lines and cell service out all day. the cable news team was in my usual pharmacy and the pharmacist tech (who is one of my best friends) told them how he customer wanted to beat her cuz she didn't have their meds ... cue my fully made up, hair did pretty self. and I gave them the reaction of a lifetime... (my better half ain't stop teasing me yet because my opening line was "I'm livid!" - he just mad cuz I read and have a bigger vocab!)

4. My son is in Jville with my sister to the end of the month and I miss his nutty ass. but I'm glad he is there.. cuz if he continues to fuck around in school and repeat then he lives with her permanently. I can't and won't put up with shit outta him no more. He so miserable becuase he can't just play on f/b or with the dj system... he has to have conversations with her... (torture at it's finest, since she almost always drunk after work) and he has a book report due to me when he gets back...

5. my sister (my son't legal mother, she adopted him for navy benefits damn near at birth) needs to quit fucking qhining and complaining. she had him for a few weeks over the summer. I laugh at her when she calls to vent cuz i say... "when he here, you have sooooo many suggestions on what i doing wrong!" lol... imagine if she had to drop and pick up from school and do homework... she is a damn joke. i tell her she ain't allowed to say shit to me know more bout what i need to do bout him and this and that.

Anyway... i think i caught you up on all the good shit. i will try and post again as soon as something juciy happens and you know with this life I have it will be soon.

What goes around... Justin Timberlake had it right

You know… life is a funny thing!

So Asshole McGee just finish telling me how I ain’t shit, and my man ain’t never finna marry me, and my son ain’t finna be no man unless he break him and all that other bullshit he run on with the other night, right?

So why is it yesterday, soon as I walk in the door it’s all “hey sis, how was your day? I need a favour… can you take me round the corner to get my jeep please?” then he says to my baby boy (whose b-day is tomorrow – the big 15!) and asks to borrow $5 til tomorrow.

My son, who ain’t never short on money cuz he spends mine says “sorry, I own have it”

This fuck-tard aka My older brother then asks me for it… sorry nigga… “I had to by beer and mustard to cook dinner tonight, you outta luck.” Mind you I have it but as I look at it, I bought the food in the house your needs are covered… cigarettes/smokes (cuz I know that’s what he want it for) is a want… supply your own fucking nasty habit.

So I take him to his friend who had his jeep and after ten minutes of him using his jumper cables that look like four different cables held together with electrical tape. I gave him my new and well maintained cables and jump his jeep.

I take his friend home (he like a neighbourhood brother too) and he was all up in my face bout how I could talk to Assy McGee like that, and I should respect him and not cuss him out the way I did. I shouldn’ta told my brudder to kill heself!

SCRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHH! (brakes squeal I hit them so hard)

“Fuck you say again?”

Yeah, he tell me how you cuss him out for coming home drunk and talk bad to him.

OH HO HO… NO NIGGA… HE SHUDDA TOLD YOU HOW IT GO…

So I school our flat faced friend bout the other night. Tole him “time longer than rope… you should be careful how you treat folk cuz you never know when you will be in need”

He is my brother and he at a low point in his life right now… but he just like the 40 yr old brother that lives in FTL to me… Fucking Write-offs!

They believe the lies they tell until they don’t know reality. And the few people in their sorry-assed lives that are really always there for them is the first ones they kick (that’s me and my sister, twin to the fucktard) and they usually try and hurt us the worst!

I took great delight in that yesterday!

April 17th Weekend.... aka Jesus I going to Jail...Got any bail money?

So on Friday our office usually closes at 2pm. I love my Fridays, I can go for Sushi or do whatever and pick up my son and head home.

But this Friday, I had a seminar that the office paid for that I had to attend. Mind you I have been exhausted all week long and was looking forward to going home and curling up next to the better half.

So chap head calls me 8:45am on Friday to ask for a ride to work… she says… “Since I riding with you to the seminar anyway.” My end of the phone went dead… in my head I’m saying… this bird is too damn much!

So she apparently catches a ride to the office and when it was time to close up, I figured I would hit the bank, deposit my check and then hit the road for a quick lunch and then go see if they were really having this seminar even though it is at the same time as a funeral for a local legal legend.

Chap-head rolls up and says “I need a ride home please. I have a headache and won’t go to the seminar.”

Fuck me twice!

So I drive her home (did I ever mention that she lives 3 mins away from my house) and then hit the bank, and head to the hotel downtown where this seminar is… I don’t even have time to stop for food. My sugar finna drop later but I figure that’s a good way to get out the seminar when my co-workers show up. But those bitches come as the last presenter comes on so I was at this thing for ¾ of the way thru.

All through the seminar my almost 50 year old brother who moved is lying, simple ass back to town while our mother is away. (but he don’t wanna tell her, he living in her house… fuckwad!) keeps calling to find out when I coming home cuz ain’t no toilet issue… LOL…. Cuz in the month he been here, he ain’t paid for nothing but cigarettes, anejo and coke. LOSER!!!

I get fed up and leave with the excuse of needing food and all I could think of is I deserve sushi today. This been the week from hell. So I call and order sushi for pick up but then had to sit in an hours worth of traffic just to get to the bank to get some cash (I ordered a lot of sushi) and THEN finally pick up the food. Better half calls and this is at 6:50pm to ask me to bring him something… so I stop off and get him a dinner (he don’t eat sushi) and some other incidentals (yeah yeah I got the tp).

I finally get home and it’s 8:20pm… I am past exhausted. I spend a leisurely night with the better half.

Saturday my neighbourhood big brother invited me to a little party at his house. I am still tired and decide not to go…

Picture this, after a week of not sleeping well; you cuddled up to your better half, naked, warm, cozy, and deep in sleep... I mean no dreams… blackout sleep. It’s 4:30am and the sound of banging on your door jump starts you out your sleep….. Is the house on fire? Has something happen to your son? Is someone hurt? NO! It is the drunken 50 yr old loser retard fuckwad who wants to talk to the better half… NIGGA… He sleep and so I am… Slurry McAssFace says wake him up! I slam the door in his face. His drunk ass comes back 5 mins later knocking like the devil after him. OH FUCK!!! I going to jail, cuz I ga take dis cutlass under my mattress and slap dis nigga head off!!!

My better half is a real man and says lemme see what he wants love, he is your older brother. Maybe it’s important. If I was a man, I’da beat his drunk ass and gone back to bed… but NO NO NO, not my man!

10 mins later he comes back laughing, I say what up? Your brother is an ass… this dude who ain’t got shit in this world, who wearing your son clothes and glasses right now, drunk off his ass, who can’t spend no real time with his 8 yr old daughter tell me to step my game up… cuz I cutting you off from your friends and our best friends getting married and everyone was talking bout us at the party! My love laughs and lays down say come baby!

HELL – MUTHA FUKKIN – NAH!!!!!!!!!!

I storm my short ass out front and confront this fucktard…. After listening to him run on bout how I need to do better cuz my apt floor need to sweep, and the clean clothes folded up need to be put away… and my son taking after me and I’m a bad mother cuz he dictates my life……

WHOA!

Well you know this shit won’t go down well, right?

I finally wait til hear him start repeating himself when I tell him… nucca your life aint flawless and you need to fuck off, fuck your life and be successful at something and kill yo self…. You sleep whenever your daughter at the house, never spend any time with her, ain’t paid for the food you eat or the tissue to wipe it when you done with it and all you had to do at that sorry ass party was talk bout me cuz I wasn’t there? DIE NIGGA DIE!!!

I am not 100% but I ahead of you in life. I know my son, who he is, what he likes , who his friends are and what he bout…. Your 8 yr old can tell you how to fuck and what to do... cuz of that scummy ma and sisters she have. And throwing money at her will not make her any better. Spend time with your daughter and stay the fuck out my business with MY son.

You don’t know bout raising no child!

We had a yelling fest for bout 20 mins when I told him once again… do us all a favour and fuck you and your sorry ass life. His best comeback: you sorry bitch...

No fucka, ain’t nothing sorry bout this here bitch… I’m proud of being a BITCH! Go get a job, get a life, or die trying. And other than asking for my son’s glasses off his face… I ain’t said shit since.

I did however get a good bit of doggie from the better half… that is the BEST sleep aid ever I swear…………..

When I called his twin sister to tell her this joke... she was like... I'ma be on the next plane down and we can fuck his ass up and I can come back before Ma finds out... That's my ride or die bitch right there... 13 year age difference ain't a factor I saying!

Never a dull moment in my life… deep sigh…. One day there will be a movie of my life… Queen Latifah finna play me!

How was your weekend?

Damn Humans!!

Chap head finna fire me TODAY!!! I’m bout to tell her shag wearing black ass off.

She calls me this morning (after I already at the office mind you) to ask for a ride in since we have a seminar to go to … after work hours I might add. And I was planning on playing sick and going for sushi... then this mongoose tells me… not ASKS… tells me… ‘I driving to the function with you today’.

Uhm… I say ‘sorry but already at the office. Catch a ride or drive in.”

OH FUCK ME HARD…. So I have to take her monkey ass all the way from work to a seminar near my house and turn the fuck around and drop her ass back to the office to get her car?

And then my crazy ass mama, who lives to support my 40 yr old waste of air brother. He makes twice what I does, has her giving him money for his mortgage and mom still can’t stay there since his in laws ALWAYS there.

Anyhoo… mom calls and says send him $200 on the account. BWAHAHAHAHA

What account, mama?

I closed all them shits and the only account left has one ATM card…. Mine! Fuck him and his sorry ass not yet together at 40 years old life. I call her and tell her I can’t send it he has no way of getting it … she says well I just needed a few dollars to travel with… your resident genius (ME) says I will send it up there to sis and she can get it and give it to you since you need money (I know better, my sis would fork cash over in a heartbeat if mama needs it, not sorry ass ) Ma then says… well as long as your better half made the payment at the bank on my credit card I should be fine. Don’t worry about it………….

MAMA!!!!

You ain’t foolin’ me none… not at all!

He had a damn month to save of $200 to meet you and sis in Tampa! He need to stop giving his on again off again loud mouthed half dyke bitch almost ex-wife who still living in HIS house all his damn paycheck or ask her for a bigger allowance!

Anyway I’ma see what this weekend finna bring forth….. Catch you on the other side!

This weekend

Okay so this weekend, I had forgotten that I offered to go to lunch with my boss.

I had promised two weeks ago when my son and his brood of friends that all seem to think I am their mama or memm, as they call me, (gee thanks cartman) were supposed to get together. I told them to come over this weekend. I love the kids. We Skype and talk shit and look at ykydaw and fb and whatnot all the time. I mean these are good kids and fun to be around. And I guess I am the cool mom. Errybody waits for me to pick up JOLLY (that's his nickname at school) so they can talk shit at the gate with me.

I know that I bail out on my boss a lot but then I figure if I work with you all week, why do I need to see you on the weekend? Anyway.

I said to her when she called on Saturday morning, I am just waking up I will call you back. Two mins later, Olivia and her mom get there. And Linton calls to remind me to pick him up. I said ok three of y’all is the limited. So as we finally leave after Livii holds me down and washes my hair , blow dries and TRIES to flat iron it. (My hiar is straight at the roots and curly on the ends and unruly and wild the whole damn way through) she gives up and throws the shit in a pony tail.

We leave to drop a part off at the mechanic, Mr. Prince whose hairline starts behind his ears and he look like a black hobbit. My boss calls and ask if I on the way for her. I say no I thought we were meeting there. Her reply…. “It’s your deal, you treating so, you driving” MUTHA FUCK

Hmmm. I need this job to keep Joee ass in school but what fuck again now? Anyway, I go and pick Ms thing up and she has the nerve to say… if I knew there was going to be company I wouldn’t have come… my thought bubble was instantaneous… get the fuck out the car then.

Ms Thing says then she have a steak out dinner to pick up. I’m thinking it is nearby where the usually are on the beach but NO this bitch mean the fucking ghetto on the other end of the island. A

nywhooo…. I gotta pick up Linton and it’s not to far from where he lives so no prob… then this chap headed bitch goes on her cell phone with her grown ass bitch ass son and they giggling and laughing taking bout… “Ju, promised there wouldn’t be anyone else with us” then she said “Well , you know how SHE is, not reliable at all” another laugh and “I won’t tell her you said that” Did I mention we on the other end of the fucking island from were she lives?

My teeth steady grinding in the car and my jaw tight right up and the kids in the back laughing at her and her funny looking self telling them these stale ass jokes. Olivia and Linton keep playing songs on their cell phones to annoy her and Joee laughing his ass off. My heart is in the back seat with em wishing I could tell her to just leave.

So we go to Bennigans for lunch, she jumps up… “they aren’t sitting with us are they?”

*blink, blink*

The kids sit in the booth behind us and I spent most of my time wishing that I was with them. She talking and all I hearing is blah blah blah… and looking at teeth that look like they be a jail for her tongue… fubar is not the word. Then this high headed heifa want talk bout she should order something to go…. Bitch I just dropped a dime. Are you serious right now? You the lawyer and I am yo assistant… you need to be treating me. Cheap ass! I said “at least you have those steak outs sweating in the car for later” and then said to the kids “time to go!!!”

Finally we finish lunch, we in the car and she trying to find out where we going next…

oh no monkey YOU going home.

Me and Mine hitting the bowling alley and have some fun talking bout your stale ass.

We get to the bowling alley and get an hour and some shoes and just when I say Livii use your phone and video how Jolly (my son) waddles up to the bowl line… he pick the one time the phone out and recording to slip and fall his linebacker midget ass over the foul line.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You know that done posted on facey!

Jesus take the wheel!

How was your weekend?

If someone read this blog ... I would get beat

So the other day I went with my sister (who lives on a different island than I do) to see Tyler Perry's Why did I get married too?

Oh Lawd... if it weren't for me and Kimmy talking shit all movie long. or the fact that my hot dog with nacho cheese was so damn good it had me in the back row with my pants all loose under my jacket and the fact that Kimmy paid and really wanted to see this "thing" .... My monkey ass woulda flown out right thru the gatdamn screen.

Oh I hate it when they do that shit. first of all the theater was packed way past fire code safety cuz they were bringing benches and living room chairs and shit in for niggas to sit on. then we had amazon sized women and every tall man in Nassau sitting they ass in the row in front of my midget 5' 1.5" ass in the back row.

the people in the couch (yes couch) up against the wall behind me (cuz I'm in the last row of real theater seats) talking shit all movie long cuz this done they fourth time seeing it.

This damn movie been sold out at the 4 screens here that showing it for 4 days straight. Kim had to get tix that morning at 11am. What the hell, i ask you?

so i'm sitting there thinking bout the plot holes in the movie. (trust... i won't spoil it if'n you ain't watched yet) but i was steady wishing hoping and praying that Tyler would not do what he did to the other movies. Jam shit from all the plays on up into one movie.... but damn you Tyler, you did it.

I wished I had gotten the bootleg DVD of that damn thing... and here in Nassau that is a booming business. This movie had too much drama and extraordinary bullshit with too many folks all at the same time!!! and none of it was plausible for me. I mean yeah yeah i get it... it's a movie... but i mean it was like precious all over again... we gon make it rain on ya but insteada cash... here take this heavy ass heart rendering bullshit to deal with.

and yeah i know precious is the quintessential "black movie that could" right now but fuck it... i did not like it. i mean Christ almighty... i know the Lord tries you (been there and had lots of it especially with dad dying recently and my aunt on her way out) but there was just no fucking hope AT ALL for this poor gila monster in Precious... (damn i digressed)

Tyler... I want my $7 dollars and 68 million hours i was stuck there back!! Do you hear me nigga! hmph

Sorry ass movie! Oh and the next time you bring your ass here... you better portray Bahamians as more than the fucking non speaking bellboys.... falling back on sterotypes and using niggas to do it too... we are more than just step and fetchit....

Wednesday is from HELL!

Ok so I start off my day trying to be a good daughter and do some nice things for my mother by going to the bank with her and signing on some shit. the fucking bank takes 3 hours ---to signing some forms basically.

I missed breakfast so by the time i get outta there i'm starved and pissed cuz mom done cut the fuck up in the banker's office making me seem more evil than i really am. I know i evil as fuck. i accept and embrace this shit. but what the hot blue fuzzy fuck she doing in this woman office? good thing my banker has known me from primary school. whooooooo

so i get called by the office to pick something up from the companies department on my way in to work...... Registrar General ain't worth a blue fuck. a request for a certificate put in over a week ago ain' even begun processing and they can't find the necessary forms that were filed the same fucking' time as the request was paid for... oh but they found the receipt for the shit. but want me to go to the office and fax my proof of them receiving the forms. "bitch... you have the payment so you should have the forms" and she gives me a bogus fax number she know ain working. when i call two hours later to say it won't go thru all she says is yeah i didn't think it would.. WHA FUCK AGAIN NOW!!!!

now chap-chap in here telling me, why are you getting so technical over my dictation..... uhmmm... bitch i read it back just as you say it but i getting technical and having attitude.... whooooo JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL cuz i'ma give this heifa another chap in her forehead i swear fo GOD!

then it sinks in that it is only hump day. fuck me i have two more days to go....

Fucking Stupid People

Someone Anyone Please tell me.....

Why if I confide something in you, your 65 year old, blabber mouthed rusty ass got to go run to your bitch ass son and tell him?

Any why does his punk ass turn around and talk my fucking business to other folks? and when shit gets back to me you holler bout "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to talk?"

Are you not a grown ass woman? how the fuck do you misconstrue "this is in the strictest confidence! tell NO ONE!!!"

Fucked up this is..... wow! you are my boss! I can't tell you off! urgh!