What goes around... Justin Timberlake had it right

You know… life is a funny thing!

So Asshole McGee just finish telling me how I ain’t shit, and my man ain’t never finna marry me, and my son ain’t finna be no man unless he break him and all that other bullshit he run on with the other night, right?

So why is it yesterday, soon as I walk in the door it’s all “hey sis, how was your day? I need a favour… can you take me round the corner to get my jeep please?” then he says to my baby boy (whose b-day is tomorrow – the big 15!) and asks to borrow $5 til tomorrow.

My son, who ain’t never short on money cuz he spends mine says “sorry, I own have it”

This fuck-tard aka My older brother then asks me for it… sorry nigga… “I had to by beer and mustard to cook dinner tonight, you outta luck.” Mind you I have it but as I look at it, I bought the food in the house your needs are covered… cigarettes/smokes (cuz I know that’s what he want it for) is a want… supply your own fucking nasty habit.

So I take him to his friend who had his jeep and after ten minutes of him using his jumper cables that look like four different cables held together with electrical tape. I gave him my new and well maintained cables and jump his jeep.

I take his friend home (he like a neighbourhood brother too) and he was all up in my face bout how I could talk to Assy McGee like that, and I should respect him and not cuss him out the way I did. I shouldn’ta told my brudder to kill heself!

SCRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHH! (brakes squeal I hit them so hard)

“Fuck you say again?”

Yeah, he tell me how you cuss him out for coming home drunk and talk bad to him.

OH HO HO… NO NIGGA… HE SHUDDA TOLD YOU HOW IT GO…

So I school our flat faced friend bout the other night. Tole him “time longer than rope… you should be careful how you treat folk cuz you never know when you will be in need”

He is my brother and he at a low point in his life right now… but he just like the 40 yr old brother that lives in FTL to me… Fucking Write-offs!

They believe the lies they tell until they don’t know reality. And the few people in their sorry-assed lives that are really always there for them is the first ones they kick (that’s me and my sister, twin to the fucktard) and they usually try and hurt us the worst!

I took great delight in that yesterday!

April 17th Weekend.... aka Jesus I going to Jail...Got any bail money?

So on Friday our office usually closes at 2pm. I love my Fridays, I can go for Sushi or do whatever and pick up my son and head home.

But this Friday, I had a seminar that the office paid for that I had to attend. Mind you I have been exhausted all week long and was looking forward to going home and curling up next to the better half.

So chap head calls me 8:45am on Friday to ask for a ride to work… she says… “Since I riding with you to the seminar anyway.” My end of the phone went dead… in my head I’m saying… this bird is too damn much!

So she apparently catches a ride to the office and when it was time to close up, I figured I would hit the bank, deposit my check and then hit the road for a quick lunch and then go see if they were really having this seminar even though it is at the same time as a funeral for a local legal legend.

Chap-head rolls up and says “I need a ride home please. I have a headache and won’t go to the seminar.”

Fuck me twice!

So I drive her home (did I ever mention that she lives 3 mins away from my house) and then hit the bank, and head to the hotel downtown where this seminar is… I don’t even have time to stop for food. My sugar finna drop later but I figure that’s a good way to get out the seminar when my co-workers show up. But those bitches come as the last presenter comes on so I was at this thing for ¾ of the way thru.

All through the seminar my almost 50 year old brother who moved is lying, simple ass back to town while our mother is away. (but he don’t wanna tell her, he living in her house… fuckwad!) keeps calling to find out when I coming home cuz ain’t no toilet issue… LOL…. Cuz in the month he been here, he ain’t paid for nothing but cigarettes, anejo and coke. LOSER!!!

I get fed up and leave with the excuse of needing food and all I could think of is I deserve sushi today. This been the week from hell. So I call and order sushi for pick up but then had to sit in an hours worth of traffic just to get to the bank to get some cash (I ordered a lot of sushi) and THEN finally pick up the food. Better half calls and this is at 6:50pm to ask me to bring him something… so I stop off and get him a dinner (he don’t eat sushi) and some other incidentals (yeah yeah I got the tp).

I finally get home and it’s 8:20pm… I am past exhausted. I spend a leisurely night with the better half.

Saturday my neighbourhood big brother invited me to a little party at his house. I am still tired and decide not to go…

Picture this, after a week of not sleeping well; you cuddled up to your better half, naked, warm, cozy, and deep in sleep... I mean no dreams… blackout sleep. It’s 4:30am and the sound of banging on your door jump starts you out your sleep….. Is the house on fire? Has something happen to your son? Is someone hurt? NO! It is the drunken 50 yr old loser retard fuckwad who wants to talk to the better half… NIGGA… He sleep and so I am… Slurry McAssFace says wake him up! I slam the door in his face. His drunk ass comes back 5 mins later knocking like the devil after him. OH FUCK!!! I going to jail, cuz I ga take dis cutlass under my mattress and slap dis nigga head off!!!

My better half is a real man and says lemme see what he wants love, he is your older brother. Maybe it’s important. If I was a man, I’da beat his drunk ass and gone back to bed… but NO NO NO, not my man!

10 mins later he comes back laughing, I say what up? Your brother is an ass… this dude who ain’t got shit in this world, who wearing your son clothes and glasses right now, drunk off his ass, who can’t spend no real time with his 8 yr old daughter tell me to step my game up… cuz I cutting you off from your friends and our best friends getting married and everyone was talking bout us at the party! My love laughs and lays down say come baby!

HELL – MUTHA FUKKIN – NAH!!!!!!!!!!

I storm my short ass out front and confront this fucktard…. After listening to him run on bout how I need to do better cuz my apt floor need to sweep, and the clean clothes folded up need to be put away… and my son taking after me and I’m a bad mother cuz he dictates my life……

WHOA!

Well you know this shit won’t go down well, right?

I finally wait til hear him start repeating himself when I tell him… nucca your life aint flawless and you need to fuck off, fuck your life and be successful at something and kill yo self…. You sleep whenever your daughter at the house, never spend any time with her, ain’t paid for the food you eat or the tissue to wipe it when you done with it and all you had to do at that sorry ass party was talk bout me cuz I wasn’t there? DIE NIGGA DIE!!!

I am not 100% but I ahead of you in life. I know my son, who he is, what he likes , who his friends are and what he bout…. Your 8 yr old can tell you how to fuck and what to do... cuz of that scummy ma and sisters she have. And throwing money at her will not make her any better. Spend time with your daughter and stay the fuck out my business with MY son.

You don’t know bout raising no child!

We had a yelling fest for bout 20 mins when I told him once again… do us all a favour and fuck you and your sorry ass life. His best comeback: you sorry bitch...

No fucka, ain’t nothing sorry bout this here bitch… I’m proud of being a BITCH! Go get a job, get a life, or die trying. And other than asking for my son’s glasses off his face… I ain’t said shit since.

I did however get a good bit of doggie from the better half… that is the BEST sleep aid ever I swear…………..

When I called his twin sister to tell her this joke... she was like... I'ma be on the next plane down and we can fuck his ass up and I can come back before Ma finds out... That's my ride or die bitch right there... 13 year age difference ain't a factor I saying!

Never a dull moment in my life… deep sigh…. One day there will be a movie of my life… Queen Latifah finna play me!

How was your weekend?

Damn Humans!!

Chap head finna fire me TODAY!!! I’m bout to tell her shag wearing black ass off.

She calls me this morning (after I already at the office mind you) to ask for a ride in since we have a seminar to go to … after work hours I might add. And I was planning on playing sick and going for sushi... then this mongoose tells me… not ASKS… tells me… ‘I driving to the function with you today’.

Uhm… I say ‘sorry but already at the office. Catch a ride or drive in.”

OH FUCK ME HARD…. So I have to take her monkey ass all the way from work to a seminar near my house and turn the fuck around and drop her ass back to the office to get her car?

And then my crazy ass mama, who lives to support my 40 yr old waste of air brother. He makes twice what I does, has her giving him money for his mortgage and mom still can’t stay there since his in laws ALWAYS there.

Anyhoo… mom calls and says send him $200 on the account. BWAHAHAHAHA

What account, mama?

I closed all them shits and the only account left has one ATM card…. Mine! Fuck him and his sorry ass not yet together at 40 years old life. I call her and tell her I can’t send it he has no way of getting it … she says well I just needed a few dollars to travel with… your resident genius (ME) says I will send it up there to sis and she can get it and give it to you since you need money (I know better, my sis would fork cash over in a heartbeat if mama needs it, not sorry ass ) Ma then says… well as long as your better half made the payment at the bank on my credit card I should be fine. Don’t worry about it………….

MAMA!!!!

You ain’t foolin’ me none… not at all!

He had a damn month to save of $200 to meet you and sis in Tampa! He need to stop giving his on again off again loud mouthed half dyke bitch almost ex-wife who still living in HIS house all his damn paycheck or ask her for a bigger allowance!

Anyway I’ma see what this weekend finna bring forth….. Catch you on the other side!

This weekend

Okay so this weekend, I had forgotten that I offered to go to lunch with my boss.

I had promised two weeks ago when my son and his brood of friends that all seem to think I am their mama or memm, as they call me, (gee thanks cartman) were supposed to get together. I told them to come over this weekend. I love the kids. We Skype and talk shit and look at ykydaw and fb and whatnot all the time. I mean these are good kids and fun to be around. And I guess I am the cool mom. Errybody waits for me to pick up JOLLY (that's his nickname at school) so they can talk shit at the gate with me.

I know that I bail out on my boss a lot but then I figure if I work with you all week, why do I need to see you on the weekend? Anyway.

I said to her when she called on Saturday morning, I am just waking up I will call you back. Two mins later, Olivia and her mom get there. And Linton calls to remind me to pick him up. I said ok three of y’all is the limited. So as we finally leave after Livii holds me down and washes my hair , blow dries and TRIES to flat iron it. (My hiar is straight at the roots and curly on the ends and unruly and wild the whole damn way through) she gives up and throws the shit in a pony tail.

We leave to drop a part off at the mechanic, Mr. Prince whose hairline starts behind his ears and he look like a black hobbit. My boss calls and ask if I on the way for her. I say no I thought we were meeting there. Her reply…. “It’s your deal, you treating so, you driving” MUTHA FUCK

Hmmm. I need this job to keep Joee ass in school but what fuck again now? Anyway, I go and pick Ms thing up and she has the nerve to say… if I knew there was going to be company I wouldn’t have come… my thought bubble was instantaneous… get the fuck out the car then.

Ms Thing says then she have a steak out dinner to pick up. I’m thinking it is nearby where the usually are on the beach but NO this bitch mean the fucking ghetto on the other end of the island. A

nywhooo…. I gotta pick up Linton and it’s not to far from where he lives so no prob… then this chap headed bitch goes on her cell phone with her grown ass bitch ass son and they giggling and laughing taking bout… “Ju, promised there wouldn’t be anyone else with us” then she said “Well , you know how SHE is, not reliable at all” another laugh and “I won’t tell her you said that” Did I mention we on the other end of the fucking island from were she lives?

My teeth steady grinding in the car and my jaw tight right up and the kids in the back laughing at her and her funny looking self telling them these stale ass jokes. Olivia and Linton keep playing songs on their cell phones to annoy her and Joee laughing his ass off. My heart is in the back seat with em wishing I could tell her to just leave.

So we go to Bennigans for lunch, she jumps up… “they aren’t sitting with us are they?”

*blink, blink*

The kids sit in the booth behind us and I spent most of my time wishing that I was with them. She talking and all I hearing is blah blah blah… and looking at teeth that look like they be a jail for her tongue… fubar is not the word. Then this high headed heifa want talk bout she should order something to go…. Bitch I just dropped a dime. Are you serious right now? You the lawyer and I am yo assistant… you need to be treating me. Cheap ass! I said “at least you have those steak outs sweating in the car for later” and then said to the kids “time to go!!!”

Finally we finish lunch, we in the car and she trying to find out where we going next…

oh no monkey YOU going home.

Me and Mine hitting the bowling alley and have some fun talking bout your stale ass.

We get to the bowling alley and get an hour and some shoes and just when I say Livii use your phone and video how Jolly (my son) waddles up to the bowl line… he pick the one time the phone out and recording to slip and fall his linebacker midget ass over the foul line.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You know that done posted on facey!

Jesus take the wheel!

How was your weekend?

If someone read this blog ... I would get beat

So the other day I went with my sister (who lives on a different island than I do) to see Tyler Perry's Why did I get married too?

Oh Lawd... if it weren't for me and Kimmy talking shit all movie long. or the fact that my hot dog with nacho cheese was so damn good it had me in the back row with my pants all loose under my jacket and the fact that Kimmy paid and really wanted to see this "thing" .... My monkey ass woulda flown out right thru the gatdamn screen.

Oh I hate it when they do that shit. first of all the theater was packed way past fire code safety cuz they were bringing benches and living room chairs and shit in for niggas to sit on. then we had amazon sized women and every tall man in Nassau sitting they ass in the row in front of my midget 5' 1.5" ass in the back row.

the people in the couch (yes couch) up against the wall behind me (cuz I'm in the last row of real theater seats) talking shit all movie long cuz this done they fourth time seeing it.

This damn movie been sold out at the 4 screens here that showing it for 4 days straight. Kim had to get tix that morning at 11am. What the hell, i ask you?

so i'm sitting there thinking bout the plot holes in the movie. (trust... i won't spoil it if'n you ain't watched yet) but i was steady wishing hoping and praying that Tyler would not do what he did to the other movies. Jam shit from all the plays on up into one movie.... but damn you Tyler, you did it.

I wished I had gotten the bootleg DVD of that damn thing... and here in Nassau that is a booming business. This movie had too much drama and extraordinary bullshit with too many folks all at the same time!!! and none of it was plausible for me. I mean yeah yeah i get it... it's a movie... but i mean it was like precious all over again... we gon make it rain on ya but insteada cash... here take this heavy ass heart rendering bullshit to deal with.

and yeah i know precious is the quintessential "black movie that could" right now but fuck it... i did not like it. i mean Christ almighty... i know the Lord tries you (been there and had lots of it especially with dad dying recently and my aunt on her way out) but there was just no fucking hope AT ALL for this poor gila monster in Precious... (damn i digressed)

Tyler... I want my $7 dollars and 68 million hours i was stuck there back!! Do you hear me nigga! hmph

Sorry ass movie! Oh and the next time you bring your ass here... you better portray Bahamians as more than the fucking non speaking bellboys.... falling back on sterotypes and using niggas to do it too... we are more than just step and fetchit....