So I been busy... what's your excuse?!

I know, I said I was finna do better but life has a way of make your words a joke.

It’s been a rough time of it since I last posted and not all of it is finna be shared. But there are some good things happening right now.

So I am in love with a Shih Tzu named Belvedere. I am presently sharing him with my ex-better half but may have to dognap him and keep him full time!!! He is a terrorist at best and I love him all the same. Firstly, he is 11.1 pounds and 36 inches long tip to tail. And at the size of him when he humping my life-size teddy bear, 10 inches is pure doggy. He loves pulling my clothes out the hamper to curl up and sleep in them. And toss over the garbage. His underbite is almost as adorable as his big brown eyes. And he like to chew his toys and nasty smoked bull penis on my foot or cock his leg up on me when I sitting down. When I get home he makes me feel like I was gone a month and he can’t wait for us to sit and catch up. By catch up, he means he ga lick my face, chew my ear like bubble gum and if he really wanna be bad, race crazily round my room jumping on any and everything including me.

I went back to church and have sung quite a few solos since I joined the chorale (the young folks, not a senior dry up choir) and I on the URSHER (yeah, that’s how I spelling it) Board!! So I a work in progress but I ain ramming religion down no one throat, I just strengthening my relationship with God. I’s a work in progress though. I be backsliding and stuff. But at least I trying.

I joined a local repertory company and will be in an upcoming play. After many years of saying I was gonna do it. Yesterday was my second practice and the director asked me to do one of the opening lead parts.

YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!

That is an additional 18 pages of dialogue where I have to play a stuck up colour struck young girl. I fashioning her after one of my chorale members who I can’t stand. And then the other part is at the end where I am a very ignorant mother who more interest in TV than my kids. I know both roles are a stretch for me, but I look forward to them immensely.

Now, my next favourite thing going on with life now is how the receptionist and the other secretary in here at war with each other. They both trying to see who head to get furthest up the managing partner’s ass. The woman disappears when she turn sideways so you could imagine how funny it is in here watching the Grizzly Bear Belcher (receptionist) and Cranky Pants McLateass (secretary) go at it. Cranky Pants don’t answer the phone when Belcher calls her or hangs up on her quickly. Belcher calls just to pissedy her off and hangs up on her half way thru talking. And they fall over each other making tea and driving boss lady around. Or picking up her kids and parents and shit.

Whoooooooooooooooooo!

They too funny. Did I mention the Belcher ruder than fuck to errybody except the bosses? Them people on the phone sometimes hang up on her so they don’t have to hear how rude she is. Grizzly spends more time away from her desk eating or running to three or four food stores or even the gubment clinic in the middle of the day. I needs to get her paycheck cuz I always doing her friggin’ job I swear. I ain’ driving no one at $5.73/gallon. I don’t want drive mysef to work.

So my 50 yr old fuckwad brother finally working. Bitch-ass still miserable tho. I told him take the hotel job. He like overtime and fucked up hours and what not. But instead he have more of a manager position that he hated more than air right now. Too friggin’ dumb. I don’t feel sorry for he ass.

And the 40 yr old waste of sperm in stateside is one ass. He is such a write off man… he all bout pining for his on-again off-again harridan of an almost-ex wife that he has convinced himself that he deserves (idiot) while she here going out with one wildebeest looking nigga. All I cud do is laugh. When I tell him bout the dude. My brother (knowing of everything in creation) says “oh, they only friends. It ain’t like that”.

Bro!

You in the US and she here and been complaining before she left bout not getting any and now you can’t even get a phone call?

LOL right!

I can’t feel bad for him. I have talked to him repeatedly about this. And to top it off when i tell him of things in my life, he ain’t supportive of me. I had my first solo of radio broadcast a few months ago. I made people in the church including our chorale cry. Some likened me to Shug Avery in “The Color Purple” when she went back to her daddy church and was singing from the road and drowning out the choir. I know I did well. I worked tirelessly on it. My Ride or Die sister gushed as she had her co-workers listen online and all. But my brother… this jealous self-absorbed ass ga say I was “sing-screaming so he didn’t understand what I was sayin”.

Nigga…

Fuck Nigga…

Why come you is the onliest one that couldn’t understand me?

Bitch-ass!!!

(Sorry Lord, I trying but he vexated me)

Then when I told him bout the part in the play. he tell me that’s nice but aren’t you a little old for that now? And I don’t see why you so impressed with the founder of the company. He just a sissy.

Well I start seeing purple and orange stars from clenching my jaw. My response was. He a Bahamian hero that I look up to. That I impressed him leaves me humble and appreciative. And you sir, are an ass.

Well I guess that is all for now. Can’t remember anything else I want to share.

The Day of the 5 way!

Ok, My uncle has this younger second wife. I like her, won't call her auntie 'cuz that is reserved for his first wife. but wife #2 is cool with me. She is deep into this pyramid cult thing that is sweeping the nation. It's called Ardyss.

She has been going round giving presentations and recruiting folks (family, friends and foe) into this undergarment from hell.... I call it the raping machine.

One night she got me into one, and I personally didn't see any damn difference in the way that I looked. and I ain't paying $150 for the torture of putting this medival device of torture with fifty million hook and eyes just to suck in my gut. I like buddha just as she is!!!

Well this woman recruited one of my cousins into it. I DID NOT KNOW THIS!!

My cousin just moved into a swanky gated community and invited us to come to the house... my ass thought "HOUSE PARTY!!!!"

the trophy wife then says ohhh.. J, I'll come and get you and we can go have a good time. I'm down. that means I can drink and not have to drive.. cool! She gets there to pick me up and there is a hermaphidite (yeah i know i spelled it wrong but whatever) in the car. He bigger than I am and is in the passenger seat putting on his false eyelashes and mascara? then he gets out his car and has one a raping garment under his t-shirt. I know becuz i see the bulges where the hooks and eyes meet in front. why is his sissy ass wearing the female garment if they have a male version! oh LAWD!

What in the blue fuzzy..... hmmmmm

so we get to the house and i went looking for the bar and the food! AIN'T NONE!

then i see them setting up the dvd and this Ardyss shit starts playing. oh fuck i trapped!

Then my cousin drags me into her bedroom and says since you the biggest one here let try you. I yell "hell-fuck-no". My cousins's older sister, her daughter and the trophy hoe (i'm pissed at this point) come into the room and throw me on the bed!

fuck this is not good.... my better half is no where in site so I know ain't no dick coming!

these triflin' sale hungry heifas take off all my clothes and start to put me in a raping garment. I refuse to wiggle and help get myself into the damn thing. Then they bring in the fag cuz they can't get the hooks to meet the eyes for the last three at the top. one cousin holding my happily sleeping tits up and out his way and i telling all of them I will have them up on charges of rape and assault as soon as I leave here. In her laughter, my cousin lets my tits go, the flop happily back to their place near my belly (don't judge me, they been there for years thanks to big boobs in grade 3). they landed on captain eyelashes hands and she shrieked... yes, shrieked... like a girl!

now i have a high pitched voice and I don't think i could scream like that. say he don't like those things touching him... on behalf of my swing lows i was offended!!

so they get me in this thing and put my clothes back on, i haven't moved a muscles since they started and show and before and after picture!!!

well first off there was no difference in the look. i already have a nice shape i just have low breast and a big buddha in front that will bow down to no man or raping garment!!!

i tell them don't show people this cuz they ga want ALL they money back.!!

Where to start? with this bitch right here!!!

My sister is 13 years older and sometime 90 years dumber!!

So I sent my bouncing baby boy to her for the summer. She legally adopted him when he was born so he could get them Navy benefits! that was cool but we all know who his mama is.

she all bout in her hometown (stateside) profiling to folks bout her son and whatnot and that's cool with me. I love that.

Now while he been there, she ain't took his ass no where to do nothing cuz she always tired (read that as drunk from that pint of gin and 3 heineken chaser after work) but then that was ok cuz she don't drink when they went out in the car.

but the finaly straw for me was last night, my sister tells my 15 years old, he cant buy his school supplies with the last of his money cuz he gotta pay for groceries!

THAT BITCHES STRAIGHT LOST HER BRAIN TO GIN!!!

EXCUUUUUUUSSSSSEEEE FUCKIN' ME!!

I know she ain't come outta her mouth with this bullshit.

So I called the airline, changed his reservations and called my sister leaving her a voicemail since her and her best friend (another cunt bitch i gotta tell you bout) was sleep. I told her that I need my son home and i changed his reservation. I can't talk to her right now cuz i will only tell her all bout her ass.

Never a damn dull moment for me!!

But the bright side is I get my baby back two weeks earlier and we going to the Berry islands next weekend!!!

Sucks to be them

So my ma call me just now upset cuz the cable off. (even though big worthless older brother, who is now getting a weekly allowance outta me already called me earlier and say the internet off cuz the bill due)

my response is that she wanted to go to marketplace and i bought her a bday gift (hand made, hand embroidered kelly green silk pillow) . that is why the cable off... she says "well you didn't have to take me .. you should have let me say i wanted to go and take you if you know you had things to pay and now i supposed to sit here with nothing to watch?"

Oh MOTHER! my response ..... " you say that shit when the cable on so how is it being off a problem? and you're welcome for dinner on sunday!"

Why should i check that them two home with no internet or tv all day? but the two of them always have a hand out for something from me... meanwhile at dinner on sunday, i felt sick and ended up throwing up for like 20 mins... do you think one of either of these suck spirit dirgens even come look for me... NOPE!! by the time i got back to the table, they finished their entrees and ask if i was ready to go? whafuck and I ain' eat but dropped $55 for each of us in there... no fucktards.. y'all ga wait on me and let me eat first.

so i say to mother "you can wait til i get paid on friday and can pay the bill. otherwise that same money you was gonna buy a tix to new york can go on the cable." I mean is she serious... she was gonna drop $400 to go to new york for a week to a friend (a recent not that close to) friend who in a coma... call me heartless but she ain't finna know you there... and you have sick family here now.. do you really want to be away again when someone else dies?

i am not using my lil bit of funds in my checking acct so they could have the benefit of cable and internet becuz i may need those funds for car licence and my son's school fee.

fuck the cable!

i have video tapes to watch. it will not bother me i can promise you that.

fucking selfish ass niggas... urrrggghhh I can't stand that shit!

Long ass overdue

Thank you sweet baby Jesus that blogs are not like library books... I done fucked up and so much good shit been happening but I really didn't have the time to write and that's a shame. I promise to do better.

So here goes...

My 35th Birthday was yesterday and it was a weekend of greatness!!!

I mean yeah so I share it with my mom and two godmothers and like a ton of other folk but it was my day and I made the weekend rock for me.

But seriously, I do have a few problems I need to get off my chest/spleen before I bust.

1. I missed True Blood last night cuz my fat ass brother and naggin mama wanted to walk and play tourist in Atlantis. All they did was complain bout how Sol Kerzner need to take them gaudy tacky ass sculptures down... I'm thinking the tourist pay for that... you don't even have to go over there.. come on i missing sookie and eric!

2. My frakkin' boss seems to be extra clingy now... like she will call me into her office and then have nothing to say and I'm waiting for her to dictate a letter or ask me a question or something. Chap head just looks at me or continues watching tv or talking to someone else on the phone.. BITCH!! really? and then she turns around and asks if something she gave me earlier is ready. HOW! HOW? FUCKIN' HOW? is it finna be ready if I am staring at the chap in your forehead instead of at my computer (yeah i know on f/b or ykydaw.net) but i still get work done.

3. I was on the local cable news this weekend cuz our phone company (yup singular still since no other competition in the whole country) done fucked up again and had land lines and cell service out all day. the cable news team was in my usual pharmacy and the pharmacist tech (who is one of my best friends) told them how he customer wanted to beat her cuz she didn't have their meds ... cue my fully made up, hair did pretty self. and I gave them the reaction of a lifetime... (my better half ain't stop teasing me yet because my opening line was "I'm livid!" - he just mad cuz I read and have a bigger vocab!)

4. My son is in Jville with my sister to the end of the month and I miss his nutty ass. but I'm glad he is there.. cuz if he continues to fuck around in school and repeat then he lives with her permanently. I can't and won't put up with shit outta him no more. He so miserable becuase he can't just play on f/b or with the dj system... he has to have conversations with her... (torture at it's finest, since she almost always drunk after work) and he has a book report due to me when he gets back...

5. my sister (my son't legal mother, she adopted him for navy benefits damn near at birth) needs to quit fucking qhining and complaining. she had him for a few weeks over the summer. I laugh at her when she calls to vent cuz i say... "when he here, you have sooooo many suggestions on what i doing wrong!" lol... imagine if she had to drop and pick up from school and do homework... she is a damn joke. i tell her she ain't allowed to say shit to me know more bout what i need to do bout him and this and that.

Anyway... i think i caught you up on all the good shit. i will try and post again as soon as something juciy happens and you know with this life I have it will be soon.

What goes around... Justin Timberlake had it right

You know… life is a funny thing!

So Asshole McGee just finish telling me how I ain’t shit, and my man ain’t never finna marry me, and my son ain’t finna be no man unless he break him and all that other bullshit he run on with the other night, right?

So why is it yesterday, soon as I walk in the door it’s all “hey sis, how was your day? I need a favour… can you take me round the corner to get my jeep please?” then he says to my baby boy (whose b-day is tomorrow – the big 15!) and asks to borrow $5 til tomorrow.

My son, who ain’t never short on money cuz he spends mine says “sorry, I own have it”

This fuck-tard aka My older brother then asks me for it… sorry nigga… “I had to by beer and mustard to cook dinner tonight, you outta luck.” Mind you I have it but as I look at it, I bought the food in the house your needs are covered… cigarettes/smokes (cuz I know that’s what he want it for) is a want… supply your own fucking nasty habit.

So I take him to his friend who had his jeep and after ten minutes of him using his jumper cables that look like four different cables held together with electrical tape. I gave him my new and well maintained cables and jump his jeep.

I take his friend home (he like a neighbourhood brother too) and he was all up in my face bout how I could talk to Assy McGee like that, and I should respect him and not cuss him out the way I did. I shouldn’ta told my brudder to kill heself!

SCRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHH! (brakes squeal I hit them so hard)

“Fuck you say again?”

Yeah, he tell me how you cuss him out for coming home drunk and talk bad to him.

OH HO HO… NO NIGGA… HE SHUDDA TOLD YOU HOW IT GO…

So I school our flat faced friend bout the other night. Tole him “time longer than rope… you should be careful how you treat folk cuz you never know when you will be in need”

He is my brother and he at a low point in his life right now… but he just like the 40 yr old brother that lives in FTL to me… Fucking Write-offs!

They believe the lies they tell until they don’t know reality. And the few people in their sorry-assed lives that are really always there for them is the first ones they kick (that’s me and my sister, twin to the fucktard) and they usually try and hurt us the worst!

I took great delight in that yesterday!

April 17th Weekend.... aka Jesus I going to Jail...Got any bail money?

So on Friday our office usually closes at 2pm. I love my Fridays, I can go for Sushi or do whatever and pick up my son and head home.

But this Friday, I had a seminar that the office paid for that I had to attend. Mind you I have been exhausted all week long and was looking forward to going home and curling up next to the better half.

So chap head calls me 8:45am on Friday to ask for a ride to work… she says… “Since I riding with you to the seminar anyway.” My end of the phone went dead… in my head I’m saying… this bird is too damn much!

So she apparently catches a ride to the office and when it was time to close up, I figured I would hit the bank, deposit my check and then hit the road for a quick lunch and then go see if they were really having this seminar even though it is at the same time as a funeral for a local legal legend.

Chap-head rolls up and says “I need a ride home please. I have a headache and won’t go to the seminar.”

Fuck me twice!

So I drive her home (did I ever mention that she lives 3 mins away from my house) and then hit the bank, and head to the hotel downtown where this seminar is… I don’t even have time to stop for food. My sugar finna drop later but I figure that’s a good way to get out the seminar when my co-workers show up. But those bitches come as the last presenter comes on so I was at this thing for ¾ of the way thru.

All through the seminar my almost 50 year old brother who moved is lying, simple ass back to town while our mother is away. (but he don’t wanna tell her, he living in her house… fuckwad!) keeps calling to find out when I coming home cuz ain’t no toilet issue… LOL…. Cuz in the month he been here, he ain’t paid for nothing but cigarettes, anejo and coke. LOSER!!!

I get fed up and leave with the excuse of needing food and all I could think of is I deserve sushi today. This been the week from hell. So I call and order sushi for pick up but then had to sit in an hours worth of traffic just to get to the bank to get some cash (I ordered a lot of sushi) and THEN finally pick up the food. Better half calls and this is at 6:50pm to ask me to bring him something… so I stop off and get him a dinner (he don’t eat sushi) and some other incidentals (yeah yeah I got the tp).

I finally get home and it’s 8:20pm… I am past exhausted. I spend a leisurely night with the better half.

Saturday my neighbourhood big brother invited me to a little party at his house. I am still tired and decide not to go…

Picture this, after a week of not sleeping well; you cuddled up to your better half, naked, warm, cozy, and deep in sleep... I mean no dreams… blackout sleep. It’s 4:30am and the sound of banging on your door jump starts you out your sleep….. Is the house on fire? Has something happen to your son? Is someone hurt? NO! It is the drunken 50 yr old loser retard fuckwad who wants to talk to the better half… NIGGA… He sleep and so I am… Slurry McAssFace says wake him up! I slam the door in his face. His drunk ass comes back 5 mins later knocking like the devil after him. OH FUCK!!! I going to jail, cuz I ga take dis cutlass under my mattress and slap dis nigga head off!!!

My better half is a real man and says lemme see what he wants love, he is your older brother. Maybe it’s important. If I was a man, I’da beat his drunk ass and gone back to bed… but NO NO NO, not my man!

10 mins later he comes back laughing, I say what up? Your brother is an ass… this dude who ain’t got shit in this world, who wearing your son clothes and glasses right now, drunk off his ass, who can’t spend no real time with his 8 yr old daughter tell me to step my game up… cuz I cutting you off from your friends and our best friends getting married and everyone was talking bout us at the party! My love laughs and lays down say come baby!

HELL – MUTHA FUKKIN – NAH!!!!!!!!!!

I storm my short ass out front and confront this fucktard…. After listening to him run on bout how I need to do better cuz my apt floor need to sweep, and the clean clothes folded up need to be put away… and my son taking after me and I’m a bad mother cuz he dictates my life……

WHOA!

Well you know this shit won’t go down well, right?

I finally wait til hear him start repeating himself when I tell him… nucca your life aint flawless and you need to fuck off, fuck your life and be successful at something and kill yo self…. You sleep whenever your daughter at the house, never spend any time with her, ain’t paid for the food you eat or the tissue to wipe it when you done with it and all you had to do at that sorry ass party was talk bout me cuz I wasn’t there? DIE NIGGA DIE!!!

I am not 100% but I ahead of you in life. I know my son, who he is, what he likes , who his friends are and what he bout…. Your 8 yr old can tell you how to fuck and what to do... cuz of that scummy ma and sisters she have. And throwing money at her will not make her any better. Spend time with your daughter and stay the fuck out my business with MY son.

You don’t know bout raising no child!

We had a yelling fest for bout 20 mins when I told him once again… do us all a favour and fuck you and your sorry ass life. His best comeback: you sorry bitch...

No fucka, ain’t nothing sorry bout this here bitch… I’m proud of being a BITCH! Go get a job, get a life, or die trying. And other than asking for my son’s glasses off his face… I ain’t said shit since.

I did however get a good bit of doggie from the better half… that is the BEST sleep aid ever I swear…………..

When I called his twin sister to tell her this joke... she was like... I'ma be on the next plane down and we can fuck his ass up and I can come back before Ma finds out... That's my ride or die bitch right there... 13 year age difference ain't a factor I saying!

Never a dull moment in my life… deep sigh…. One day there will be a movie of my life… Queen Latifah finna play me!

How was your weekend?